La Notte Che Evelyn Uscì Dalla Tomba/The Night Evelyn Came out of the Grave (1971)

Note:  This review was originally posted to my Epinions account.

Some movies have no business having been made.  Yes, there are a lot of bad movies out there and some at least have some value, even if it’s as fodder for Mystery Science Theater 3000.  Then, there are those like The Night Evelyn Came out of the Grave.  It’s a movie so horrible that I really don’t think anyone will mind if I give it one star.

The movie centers around Lord Alan Cunningham.  He lost his wife, Evelyn, several years ago and hasn’t remarried.  He does have a thing for redheaded women.  In fact, he likes to lure them back to his castle.  At first, it looks like he’s interested in sex, but when the women say or do the wrong thing, Alan goes ballistic on them and kills them.  (At least I think he does.  He’s not actually shown killing anyone, although the women go missing.)

The late Evelyn’s brother seems to have nothing better to do than to hang around Alan’s estate and spy on Alan.  This is probably because Alan is paying him off.  All of the brother’s dialogue seems to deal with him knowing the truth about Evelyn’s death or what Alan is doing now or about how he wants more money.

About halfway through the movie, Alan’s good friend and cousin, George Harriman, convinces Alan to remarry, saying that it will bring balance to his life.  So, Alan eventually agrees.  He has his castle fixed up so he can have it ready for someone should she present herself.  Eventually, Alan meets Gladys.  After knowing her for a few hours, he asks her to marry him.  She doesn’t believe him, so they spend the night together.  When he asks again the following morning, she agrees.

They live in the castle, which has just been finished, and hire a bunch of women to wear blond wigs and be their maids.  (I don’t know why they were supposed to be blond, either.)  They throw parties and have guests and do everything a couple is supposed to do.  Alan starts to become unhinged when Gladys reports seeing a redhead roaming around the house.  From there, it’s just a matter of time before a really boring plot to have Alan committed comes to light.  Once the plan is foiled, the movie ends.

Yes, this is a movie that is so long and boring that it even has a long and boring title.  It’s actually as if we have two shorter scripts that couldn’t really go anywhere on their own, so someone got the bright idea to put them together to see what happens.  Alan is going about murdering women.  As soon as he marries, this stops.  There’s no mention of killing anyone or having any homicidal tendencies at all.  Instead, the brother-in-law mysteriously dies and it seems that Evelyn’s body has gone missing.

There are some parts that are downright laughable.  Alan’s last victim is an erotic dancer who’s big thing seems to be blowing out candles.  (Her act lasts all of 30 seconds.)  Yes, there’s nudity, but very little of it is erotic.  (Alan takes his victims to a room filled with torture devices; if you’re not into that, be warned.)

The movie was also very confusing.  It starts with a man running from two other men, apparently trying to escape from a mental institution.  It’s not clear what this has to do with anything.  Also, Alan’s last victim escapes, but doesn’t run very far.  It’s not that she couldn’t.  It’s just that she chooses to stay in a very visible area as if she’s hiding there.  Alan finds and catches her, only to fall asleep.  When he wakes up, he finds that she’s gone.  I’m not even sure if she escaped or not.

Both the acting and the dubbing are very bad.  (The movie was originally released in Italy in 1971.)  None of the characters really inspire any sort of interest.  Looking back, it was like the people translating the movie didn’t have the actual script to work with and had to make a lot of stuff up as they went along.

Video quality is at a low.  This looks like it was transferred from actual reels that were on the verge of deteriorating beyond repair.  There were also points where the tint would go from a bright, normal hue to yellow, then to green and go back to normal, only to go back to a dark yellow.  Whoever was responsible for this may have actually had to patch together several different versions.

There are apparently several different releases.  Mine was the 100-minute version, which was about 90 minutes too long.  It takes a long time to get going.  Once it does, it abruptly changes direction and takes a while to really get going again.  Had I not been so intent on reviewing all 9 movies in the 3-disc set I have, I would have totally skipped this movie.  Avoid it at all costs. 

IMDb page

Branded (2012)

One thing I like about Netflix is that I can stream a decent selection of movies.  They may not be the best movies, but I do occasionally find one I like.  While browsing streaming movies, I found Branded.  It looked similar to They Live, which it is.  I figured I’d give it a try and see what they did with the concept.

For those that haven’t heard of either movie, Branded is about Misha, played by Ed Stoppard.  He’s a Russian who knows how to market stuff.  He goes from the employee of a street vendor to working with Bob Gibbons, played by Jeffrey Tambor, advertising American brands in Russia.  Bob is constantly stringing Misha along with the possibility of a promotion which never happens.  When Bob’s niece, Abby, arrives in town, Misha takes a liking to her, despite Bob’s objections.

Meanwhile, various fast-food companies are having trouble staying in business.  They hire a marketing guru (listed on IMDb as Marketing Guru) to turn sales around.  Marketing Guru can do this, but they have to be wiling to go all the way.  One thing leads to another and Misha is working on a reality TV show that’s using modern science to make an overweight woman thinner and more beautiful.  Things go horribly wrong and Misha blames himself.

Unfortunately, so does everyone else. Misha is arrested and Abby is told to leave the country.  He’s released, but he doesn’t feel he can go back to advertising.  Thus, Misha takes to tending cows.  Abby finds her way back to Russia six years later to find Misha and his herd, hoping to convince him to rejoin society.  During this visit, he has a dream that leads him to make a ritual sacrifice of a cow.

Just like Nada finding the glasses in They Live, Misha can now see things as they really are.   This is where the strange blobs on the cover come in.  People have all sorts of blobs attached to them.  The blobs seem to be associated with the various fast-food brands.  Fast Food has taken over and it’s up to Misha to fix that.

Having read about the movie, I was thinking it would all be about Misha fighting the blobs.  Instead, the cow ceremony came about halfway through the movie.  Misha goes through a few ups and downs throughout the story.  I’ve also seen one of the coming attractions, which can be misleading.  The coming attractions would have reinforced my belief in the structure of the story.  I can understand a lot of people feeling misled.

I also caught a hint of a Devil/Jesus dynamic going on between Marketing Guru and Misha.  Marketing Guru wants to lead people astray and give them an unhealthy lifestyle, basically leading them astray.  Misha is essentially crucified by the media, condemned by the police and goes away, only to come back to redeem society.  The two of them have to battle it out for the sake of humanity, or at least Moscow.

I was able to enjoy the movie, but it seemed odd.  It’s hard to say that there was a clear message.  Yes, I get that it’s supposed to be anti-corporate and anti-advertising.  The message didn’t seem to really sink it.  Part of this is that it took so long for Misha to start fighting the corporations.  Also, Misha doesn’t fight Marketing Guru directly.  He’s not fighting a single bad guy.

Instead, he’s trying to pit the various corporations against each other.  It’s not really explained what the creatures are.  We just know that they’re feeding off of humanity somehow and must be stopped.  There didn’t seem to be any sort of emotional connection to Misha and his battle.

I can’t even think of who I’d recommend this movie to.  It would have been interesting, though, to have watched it with someone so that we could have discussed it.  I think more of the movie would have made sense that way.  Even though this isn’t your typical Hollywood movie, I think it would be funny to have this presented on broadcast television sponsored by a fast-food company.


Branded - Trailer

They Live (1988)

Note:  This is a review that I've reposted from my Epinions account.

Sometimes, a premise sounds so ridiculous that I just have to watch the movie. When I came across They Live, I realized that I had found such a movie. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper plays Nada, a construction worker who drifts into town looking for a job. On the job that he gets, he meets Frank, who’s played by Keith David. Frank leads Nada back to an area with tents that a lot of the homeless people in the area live.

When strange things start happening at a church across the street, Nada becomes curious. He finds several boxes and an elaborate chemistry setup. Frank, who’s far less curious, advises Nada to simply leave things alone. When the church and homeless area are raided, Nada finds himself in a position to do just the opposite. After everything has calmed down, Nada goes back into the church and finds the boxes, which are full of sunglasses.

I know that you’re thinking that sunglasses don’t make for an interesting plot point, but these are no ordinary sunglasses. These sunglasses allow the wearer to see the world as it really is, at least in black and white. Every sign, billboard, magazine or other printed medium bears some subliminal message. Messages range from things like “Obey” and “Submit to authority” to “Marry and reproduce”. To make matters even more interesting, there are aliens living among us.

After a knockdown, drag-out fight, Nada convinces Frank to put on the glasses. The two then manage to find the group that made them, which happens to be a rebel group fighting the aliens. The aliens plan to take over humanity by making us passive. They then use us to mine our own planet. Most of the population is unaware of what’s going on, but there are a select few that are so lulled by the good life that they can be told what’s going on. Somebody has to do something about this and Nada is the man to do it.

This is one of those movies that I probably never would have found out about without the aid of NetFlix. I don’t recall ever hearing about it when it first came out. (Then again, I was only twelve at the time.) This is one of those movies that could have done with a lot more detail. I think that it could survive as a miniseries or even a regular TV series.

Very little is said as to why the aliens are here, other than for our resources and cheap labor. The resistance group was never really built up. Even the ending left something to be desired. The only part of the movie that lasted any length of time was a fight scene between Frank and Nada. (Speaking of which, why was frank so resistant to putting on those glasses?)

Ultimately, this is a three-star movie. Nothing about the movie is spectacular, but it is entertaining for an hour and a half. I’d recommend it to people who are just looking to watch something without thinking about it too much. From what I’ve read, it was supposed to be making fun of our consumer society, but I didn’t get that so much. Yeah, there were a few plot points that seemed to beg us to wake up, so to speak, but overall, the movie just seemed like a movie.

The Day Time Ended (1979)

Note:  This is a review that I'm reposting from my Epinions account.

WARNING:  I’m going to give away major details, including the ending.  If you don’t like spoilers, now would be a good time to stop reading.

There are times when I realize that I have no one to blame but myself.  I blame myself for sitting through this entire movie.  You may want to say to me, “I know you‘re going to rag on this movie, but you have to keep in mind that it was made in 1979.”  I was born in 1976 and somehow, I remember the movies of my childhood being better than this.  Even the movies I hated were better than this.  Even the movies made by people that were smoking something were better than this.  I found this movie through badmovies.org; the guy that runs the site gave it the next-to-worst rating.  That’s how bad it is.

I know it’s odd for me to comment on a movie before I describe it, so let me start in on what passes for a plot.  A family is moving into a house that’s run on solar power.  They built it out in the middle of nowhere, but that doesn’t stop someone from trashing their living room.  (The grandfather blames it on biker hooligans or something.)

It doesn’t take long for strange things to start happening.  Light switches don’t work.  Time passes differently on different parts of the property.  The young girl starts talking to a glowing green pyramid.  That sort of stuff.  Oh, and there are these weird little Dustbuster-like spaceships that start attacking the family.  (Anyone around when this movie was released should know what a Dustbuster is.  The rest of you can look it up on that newfangled Wikipedia.)

As if that weren’t bad enough, the family gets thrown around in time, visiting dinosaurs and stuff.  The family gets split up, but they are reunited later in the movie.  It ends with the family finding some sort of sparkling city of the future, where the family knows that they were destined to live.  Everyone presumably lives happily ever after.

Don’t get me wrong.  The concept could work.  You’d just need a coherent script and some actors that are really in to the whole movie.  Add some decent special effects and you could have something.  Instead, it looks like several scripts were merged into one haphazardly.  Once they found a cheap set to rent, they assembled some cast and crew that had nothing better to do one weekend.

The ending is also kind of lame.  It’s like, “Ok.  It’s all over now!  So glad we’re all safe.”  It’s all buildup and no real climax.  I could see this being the setup for a TV series akin to Buck Rogers where the family has to get used to the future.  Instead, it just ends.  This wreaks of low budget.  It’s like someone had some money left over from another movie and decided to make this.  On the plus side, it only runs for 80 minutes.  Any longer, and you’d start to think that this was some sort of cruel experiment or something.  (“Twenty bucks says the audience can watch five more minutes.”)

If you see this on TV, I’d skip it.  If you’re feeling generous, maybe give it until the next commercial break.  Definitely don’t waste money on this.  The only reason I got it was that I could get it through NetFlix.  (In retrospect, I’m not sure why I gave it priority overt the other 200+ movies I have in my queue.)  This is a one-star movie.

Adventures in Babysitting (1987)

Babysitting isn’t a particularly glorious job.  I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with it.  It’s just not really something most people aspire to be.  It’s the kind of thing that girls do in high school.  Chris would rather be on a date with her boyfriend Mike.  When he cancels at the last minute, she’s left with nothing to do, so she accepts an offer to watch Sara.  Sara’s brother, Brad, is supposed to be over at the house of his friend, Daryl, but Brad has a bit of a crush on Chris, so they both end up staying over at Brad’s place.

Normally a babysitting job would begin and end there.  They’d spend the night watching movies and eating popcorn.  Everyone would be in bed at an appropriate hour.  However, Chris gets a call from her friend, Brenda.  Brenda decided to run away from home, but failed to consider that the cab ride to the bus station would cost everything she had.  She has to call Chris collect to ask for a ride home.

This puts Chris in a difficult position.  She can’t leave her friend at the bus station, which is in a rough area.  She can’t leave the kids home alone, as she was paid to watch them.  She reluctantly agrees to take the kids to the rough area to get her friend, expecting that she’ll get there and back quickly.  That’s where the flat tire comes in.  A friendly tow-truck driver agrees to help, but takes a detour when he finds out that his wife is cheating on him.

The adventure begins when Chris, Brad, Daryl and Sara have to hide in a car to avoid the driver’s gunfire.  The car is being stolen by Joe Gipp.  Rather than let them out in a bad neighborhood, he takes them back to the chop shop where he works.  This doesn’t sit well with his employers.  They manage to escape, but not before Daryl takes an adult magazine that contains important information.  Chris and Co. now have to get the car back, pick up Brenda and get home before the parents do, which isn’t going to be easy, considering that they’ve got some bad people after them.

Much of the humor comes from the fact that something like this would probably never happen.  Even if a friend of yours did get stranded at a bus station, they’d probably have another friend they could call for help.  Even if you did have to pick them up, it probably would go smoothly.  Just take the scene in the blues place.  Chris has to get everyone to safety by singing the blues.  (“Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues.”)

Although I don’t recall watching this movie before, there is some nostalgia.  I’m part of a generation that remembers a time before cell phones.  I remember why forgetting a checkbook was a big deal.  Even if they had roadside assistance back then, they would have had to walk to get to a payphone.  Breaking down on a highway wasn’t good.

There are a few familiar faces.  Elisabeth Shue plays Chris.  (It took me a moment to place her.)  We also get to see Vincent D’Onofrio as the owner of the repair shop, who Sara mistakes for Thor.  (Sara’s a big fan of Thor.)  Also look out for Bradley Whitford as Chris’s boyfriend.

I’d say the movie is safe for teenagers and above.  There is some cursing and name calling and the characters are put in some dangerous situations.  (And, there’s a Playvboy that makes a few appearances.)  You might get nervous with some of the bus-station scenes, but it’s the kind of thing I would feel safe watching with my mother.

IMDb page

Star Crystal = Rascal Tryst

Note:  This is a review I originally posted to my Epinions account.  A few modifications have been made.

There are several signs that a movie is going to be bad.  One of them is when the Internet Movie Database doesn’t even list most of the characters’ names next to the actors.  (I imagine this means that those characters weren’t named by the writer, even for their own reference.)  Another sign is when many of the actors don’t have any other credits to their name.  Both things are true of Star Crystal.

I found Star Crystal through a site called badmovies.org.  (That was actually my first clue that this was going to be a stinker.)  The movie is about an alien that gets picked up by an unsuspecting crew while they are inspecting Mars.  (We know it’s Mars because the camera has a red filter on for all of the exterior shots.)   They find what appears to be a rock or something, which they bring aboard.

They scan the rock and find electronics, which is puzzling.  That is, until the rock hatches to produce a slimy little alien and his glowing crystal computer.  We cut to a scene of the crew of the intrepid SC-37 being suffocated.  The computer is warning crew that there’s a malfunction which is causing the oxygen to be depleted.  Alas, it’s too late.  Everyone is pretty much dead.

Several months pass and SC-37 is undergoing some repairs/upgrades at a space station.  Out of the blue, the space station goes critical and explodes.  Five people are either already onboard SC-37 or manage to make it onboard at the last moment.  We have Roger the computer geek, Cal, Dr. Adrian Kimberly, Sherrie Stevens and Lt. Billie Lynn.  Roger, being the only one there that knows how to work the computers, is designated acting captain.  As captain, Roger figures out that waiting for help would take over a year, but they could make it back to Earth if they stop at a series of supply depots.  So they set off, not realizing that the little alien is still on the ship.

Billie, Cal and Sherrie all meet their ends rather quickly, leaving Roger and Adrian to wonder just who this little slime monster thinks he is.  It’s now up to Roger and Adrian to keep the doors locked at all costs.  (The creature can get control of the computer and steer the ship, but can’t open the doors because they still use manual locks.)

In a shocking plot twist, Roger and Adrian go to confront the creature only to find that he’s miraculously learned English by downloading an electronic copy of the Bible.  He identifies himself as Gar and apologizes for killing everyone else.  He claims to have been acting out of fear, which he points out should be totally understandable to humans.  After learning about our culture, he decides to spare the lives of the two remaining humans.

There are several things that stand out about this movie.  Most notable is the very basic sets.  I think that the producers were forced to use a set from another movie and this was the best they could find.  Honestly, who builds a space ship of that size, but forces the crew to use crawl ways to get from room to room?  This is the least accessible ship I’ve ever seen.

Speaking of which, the first crew seemed to be incredibly unaware of the fact that they were losing oxygen.  Any decent spaceship or space station I’ve ever seen has at least one person on the bridge at all times.  Someone should have been there to see the repeated warnings and do something about it.  This almost happens to Roger and Adrian, but Roger gets up and rectifies the situation.

I also think that there were either major cuts to the script before production or the lack of budget forced several key scenes to not be filmed.  In one scene, Roger and Cal are on the bridge, both three sheets to the wind.  There’s no mention of where they got the liquor, exactly what it is or how they’re able to sober up so quickly afterwards.

In another scene, Adrian is telling Roger that Gar is intelligent.  He was able to go through a maze at nine days with skill comparable to a chimpanzee that was several months old.  There’s no other indication that the original crew had any interaction with the creature.  I’m also wondering how it is that Adrian found the reports so easily when those repairing the ship missed the creature altogether.  It’s also curious that Gar didn’t attack the repair crews.  Apparently, Gar will attack you at the drop of a hat.  How is it that the original crew interacted with Gar before he killed them all, then went several months without a single repair person setting him off only to pick off the new crew one by one?

Also, the entire sequence on the space station was strange.  (This is the only space station I’ve seen with actual escalators.)  We have some meeting going on with people trying to decide what to do when the alarms suddenly go off.  I don’t recall any explanation being given.  I think we are supposed to assume that Gar had something to do with it.

The ending is really strange.  We’re treated to a sequence of shots of Gar, Roger and Adrian helping each other.  From what I understood, Gar agreed to spare the lives of Roger and Adrian if they helped him get back to his home planet.  It wasn’t clear to me if Roger and Adrian were being brought back to Earth, being dropped off at a supply depot or being transferred to another ship.  It was very hard to understand Gar.  He sounded like someone with a very bad sore throat who didn’t speak English well.

After all is said and done, Roger and Adrian apparently just turn the ship over to Gar, who is able to make it back to wherever it is he came from.  Yes, I’d be glad to make it back to Earth in one piece, but if an alien monster killed three people that I was sharing a ship with, I don’t think I’d be so quick to throw him the keys to the ship, especially when I don’t own said ship.  I would have liked to see Roger back on Earth having to explain himself to the powers that be as to why he gave a hostile alien a really big ship.

To call this movie sub-par would be an insult to all sub-par movies that came before it.  This was the amateur hour of movies.  After looking around, I have yet to even see cover art that does it justice.  The only reason to see this movie is for the sheer laugh value.  If you’re looking for a movie to pick apart on Epinions, this is your movie.  I’m sure there are even more flaws that I totally missed.  This is one-star material.

Candyman: The David Klein Story

Note:  This is a review that's being reposted from my Epinions account.

One of the nice features of Netflix is that I get to watch a lot of movies streaming.  I don’t have to wait for a DVD to come in the mail; I can just start watching it whenever I want.  One of the movies I might not have otherwise watched is Candyman:  The David Klein Story.  I’ll admit that I never gave much thought to who came up with the idea for the Jelly Belly.  Jelly beans have been around forever.  I had always seen The Herman Goelitz Candy Company on the Jelly Belly packages and figured it was a specialized jelly bean.

The movie starts with David Klein saying that Jelly Belly ruined his life.  It’s a great hook, as far as hooks go.  Is it hyperbole or is he really in ruins?  If so, is it really Jelly Belly’s fault?  The movie starts by showing what Klein did to get the brand started.  He approached Goelitz about making a new, gourmet jelly bean with all sorts of flavors.  It seemed that jelly beans, up to this point, came in only a few flavors.  There was no reason we couldn’t have piña colada or root beer.  It was just a matter of someone coming up with the right formula.

This all started in 1976, the year I was born.  The Herman Goelitz Candy Company came up with the formulations, but David Klein did a lot of the work in terms of getting brand recognition and making sure stores were supplied.  He would go on talk shows, call potential clients and everything.  He also had the trademarks on Jelly Belly.

By 1980, Goelitz realized that they needed to expand.  They felt that they needed control of the entire operation to secure bigger and better loans.  They forcibly bought out what Klein owned for several million dollars.  His biggest mistake was in not getting a lawyer.  (This is odd considering that Klein graduated top of his class from UCLA law.)

It’s not a high-quality film, but it’s a story that needs to be told.  I’m sure there’s a slant in favor of Klein, especially considering that his son, Bert, is listed as one of the producers.  David Klein is shown as being a nice guy.  His son recalls a trip to Disneyland where David Klein bought a batch of balloons and passed most of them out.  He also is shown as renting an ice-cream truck and giving out the ice cream to kids.

It’s one of those stories that has two sides.  Yes, The Herman Goelitz Candy Company came up with the formulation, but Klein did do a lot of work promoting the product.  This was something that he wanted to see happen and he seemed to enjoy doing.  When I told my parents, my father laughed.  My mother felt like that was just business.  It’s sad that a company would take advantage of someone’s kindness.  I can totally believe that something like this would happen.  (Despite what happened, he’s still at it.  He and his daughter both invent candy, many of which were novelty candies.  There are a few that seem like they have a chance of taking off.)

Most of the documentary is David Klein and his son, Bert Klein.  There are other people that David Klein has known, including people he’s helped.  Strangely, there’s also “Weird Al” Yankovic.  I’m not sure what the connection is.  IMDb doesn’t seem to offer any trivia for this title, so I don’t know if he was a friend or if they happened to catch him on the street.

The movie also seems a bit long, especially towards the end.  It runs for about 75 minutes.  I felt like the last 15 were unnecessary, as it seemed like we had covered all of what there was to know.  One other complaint is that David Klein comes off as maybe a little bitter.  He doesn’t seem to care about the money.  Instead, he’d like the recognition for the work he put in.  On that note, I would recommend watching the movie.  I think he does deserve recognition for his contribution.  I don’t think a lot of people know this aspect of Jelly Belly’s history.  I’m not sure I’ll look at Jelly Belly the same way.

Robot Monster = Sob, Tormentor

Note:  This is a review I'm reposting from my Epinions account with a few modifications.

It’s hard to say for certain which movie is the worst.  Many have poor production values but are still entertaining.  Mystery Science Theater 3000 proved that.  Some movies have a good amount of talent and money behind it, yet still fall flat.  Then there are some that have almost nothing going for them.  Robot Monster was just such a movie.

The movie starts with a boy and girl, presumably brother and sister, playing together.  He’s playing alien invaders despite her insistence that they play house.  Finally, they wander off and find two people examining a cave.  That’s when mother comes along and tells her children that it’s nap time, so they go to sleep on their picnic blanket.

For no apparent reason, we get to see some clips of some close-ups of reptiles.  This serves only as a segue to a deserted Earth.  There are only eight surviving humans on the planet, two of which are never seen.  We have the boy and girl from before, their mother, father, older sister and the father’s assistant.  It’s soon explained that Ro-Man has killed everyone as part of an invading force, or so he thinks.

The Great Guidance, Ro-Man’s superior, informs Ro-Man that there are still eight survivors.  (Both characters are played by the same actor wearing a gorilla suit and a diving helmet.  A separate actor also voices both characters.)  It’s up to Ro-Man to hunt down and kill the remaining “hu-mans”.

You wouldn’t think it would be that hard to find and kill eight people, even if they are the last eight people on the planet.  The survivors survived because they all had a serum that was supposed to ward off any sickness.  (The father and his assistant have invented the panacea.)  By dumb luck, Ro-Man happens to be in the same area as the eight survivors.  In fact, the characters often go over to see  Ro-Man, so he could easily walk there.

Of course, the survivors have an electrical device that blocks Ro-Man’s equipment.  He can communicate via magical plastic screens that he can’t put a physical trace on.  Also, all of the survivors leave their little camp at one point, presumably leaving the protection of their device.  Couldn’t Ro-Man see where they left the protective field and at least narrow down where the camp is?  At the very least, he should know which direction they're in.  All Ro-Man does is offer them the chance to surrender or face an “indescribable” death.

Speaking of Ro-Man and The Great Guidance, I don’t think that the guy in the gorilla suit ever talked to the guy doing the voice.  In retrospect, I don’t think he knew that his character even had lines.  All he did was move his arms around in a very humorous way, hoping to look menacing.  His voice was also meant to be menacing, but was laughable at best.

Also, I understand that CGI wasn’t very advanced in the late 50s and you had to have a human play the part, which limits your options.  But a guy in a gorilla suit with a diving helmet?  I’m sure you could find something more menacing to work with.  This was another movie where strings were evident in several places.  (Pay attention to the scene where the two other survivors are supposed taking off in a rocket.)

I understand that Ro-Man has his orders, but the Robot Monster race wants to be rid of humanity because they may pose a threat.  Eight people are not a threat.  Of course, we’re talking about robots, so I suppose that explains why they have to stick to The Plan so closely.  ("There can be no error.")

Another big problem that I figured out early on was the problem of inbreeding.  With eight people left, five of which are already related to each other, you don’t have many mating options.  I’m not saying that they should just give up, but the problem isn’t really even mentioned.  I think it was mentioned that there was a space station, but I wasn’t really clear as to whether or not there were people up there.

What really surprised me is that there’s a 3-D version out there somewhere.  I’m not even sure that it would be worth it except for the bubble machine and the very last scene.  There weren’t many scenes that I felt would have benefited from seeing it in 3-D.

The movie is so lame that I think this qualifies as the lamest that I’ve ever seen.  (When the movie ends, you sit back and think, “Well, yeah.  That would explain it.”)  It’s truly a horribly made movie, but you have to see it to fully understand how horrible it is.  With this movie, a binary ‘Recommended’ option doesn’t quite work.  In the words of Ro-Man, “I cannot, yet I must.  How do you calculate that?” 

Edward H. Julius - Rapid Math: Tricks and Tips, 30 Days to Number Power (book review)

Note:  This is a review that's reposted from my Epinions account with a few minor modifications.

I’ve always been impressed by people that could write thousands of words on a topic when I could only get a few hundred. Many of these people knew a lot about the subject and had a lot to offer. I could only do this when I was reviewing something, such as a game, that required a lot of detail. Math is a subject that I know a lot about, so I’m about to reveal how and why some of the tricks work.

While going through the bookcase recently, I came across this book. My brother bought it many, many years ago. He seemed to like it, but hasn’t used it much since he left for college. The book promises greater calculating speed and over 2,000 practice problems. I figured that I’d take a look through it. Presumably, it’s meant to be done over the course of a month, since the subtitle is "30 days to number power". If you made it all the way to high-school math, the book won’t seem that  impressive.

Each day has two tricks. It starts off with multiplying and dividing with zeros. For example, if you have to multiply 50 by 30, remove the zeroes and multiply 5 by 3 to get 15, then put the two zeroes back to get 1500. That’s an entire trick. The next one is about multiplying and dividing with decimals. It’s the same concept with different powers of ten. You should have mastered this before leaving elementary school. Of course, both of these are on the first day. I don’t imagine that it would be a good idea to throw anything too difficult your way so soon.

Many of the ‘tricks’ could be consolidated. For instance, one trick is how to multiply two numbers that differ by 2. Almost a week later, you learn how to multiply two numbers that differ by 4. Both of these tricks rely on the same principle. Lets say you have two numbers, 31 and 29. According to the book, you multiply by the average of the two numbers and subtract 1, thus getting 899. If you have 32 and 28, you multiply the two numbers and subtract 4, thus getting 896. What the book doesn’t explain is that this works for any two numbers. (For the sake of convenience, it's generally only used for whole numbers that differ by an even number.) The rule is that (x+y)(x-y)=x?-y?. It’s just that the larger the difference between the two numbers, the less convenient it becomes. If you look closely, you’ll notice that this rule comes up several times throughout the book.

Look also at the trick for multiplying by 12. The author says to multiply by ten, then to double the amount so that 38 times 12 should be 380+76, which amounts to 456. The trick for multiplying by 11 is similar. To multiply by 11, take the number, split the digits and put the sum of the digits in the middle, carrying if you have to. 59 times 11 is 509+140, or 649. I have news for you: this is how you usually do math. The author is just pointing out two different cases that are easy to do in your head.

Multiplying a two-digit number by 101 is a similar case, where you just repeat the two-digit number. 48 times 101 becomes 4848. Multiplying by 99 is more of a trick which most people wouldn’t necessarily be able to figure out on their own. Instead of multiplying by 99, you multiply by 100 and subtract 1. 48 times 99 is done by multiplying 48 by 100 to get 4800. You then subtract 48 from 4800 to get 4752.

The author also points out that you can reassemble factors to make multiplying easier. Instead of 2 times 14, you can multiply 2 times 2 times 7, or 4 times 7. This is essentially the same thing as dripping zeroes. 30x50 is like 3x10x5x10, or 3x5x10x10. (It also works great until you hit prime numbers. If you have to multiply 13 by 7, you’ll have to find another way to do it.)

The author presents it in a way that is easy for someone to understand each trick, but the reader might not necessarily understand the underlying principle, and that’s the problem. The trick from the paragraph before last could be used with other numbers or in combination with other tricks. For instance, 48 times 98 would be like 48 times 100 minus twice 48, or 4702. The real lesson to be learned is to notice proximity to an easier number to multiply by.

I would say that if you paid attention in math up until high school, you’ll find about 30% of this book to be stuff that you could have figured out on your own. (I’d say that a person of average mathematical abilities will find at least a few tricks that they already have figured out on their own.) Another 20% will be stuff that will serve no practical purpose. For instance, the book has parlor tricks, which the author admits are nothing more than mathematical curiosities that are meant to amuse people at parties. One will allow you to tell the day of the week for any date in the 20th century.

There are also a few things, like adding large sets of numbers, which will probably still require pencil and paper of most people. On the whole, I’d say that among the 60 tricks in the book, very few of them are of any benefit to me. Many are of great use, but I already know much of the information contained herein. I think that it would have been better to write a book on why these tricks work.

Gravity (2013) Review

I had seen the coming attractions for Gravity.  It was the kind of movie I’d be interested in seeing, but not necessarily in renting.  When my parents got it from Netflix, they kept it over the weekend, giving me a chance to watch it myself.  The story goes that Ryan Stone, played by Sandra Bullock, and Matt Kowalski, played by George Clooney, are making repairs to some orbiting equipment.  When disaster strikes, they have to make it to the International Space Station to get home.  I was mostly curious to see how they made a 91-minute film from this.

Normally, I’m accustomed to going into greater detail about the plot, but there’s not much to describe.  After the Russians destroy one of their own satellites, the debris destroys the shuttle that Stone and Kowalski were planning on taking back home.  Kowalski has thrusters, which he can use to get the two of them to the ISS, which has escape pods.  Unfortunately, one has been used and the other is in no condition to be used safely, making the only remaining option a nearby Chinese escape pod.

Much of the movie comes from suspense.  Unless they can make it to an escape pod, there are three ways the movie could end for the two characters:  They could drift off in to space and die a cold death, they could drift towards Earth and die a fiery death during reentry, or they could continue in orbit and hope the debris doesn’t get them.  Unfortunately, Kowalski wasted a lot of his jet fuel having fun around the equipment they were supposed to be repairing.  (I can’t say I blame him.  I wouldn’t expect Russian space debris, either.)

I could also see this being a vehicle for 3-D effects.  I’ve always hated that DVDs tend not to have a 3-D version.  I imagine that the big problem is not wanting to have to ship special glasses.  Then again, it might be something that they could sell separately.  (Maybe free 3-D glasses with an upgrade?)  I would have like to have seen this movie in 3-D.  I probably would have watched that version if I had been given the option.

There was some notoriety when Neil deGrasse Tyson pointed out a few mistakes that the movie made.  )He later pointed out that the movie got a lot right, including how the debris behaved.)  Admittedly, though, a few liberties were taken for the sake of the story.  I don’t think it would have been as suspenseful if they had stuck to all the laws of physics.

I should warn you that people do die.  This isn’t ruining anything, as it happens in the first few minutes.  I bring this up because we get to see them after they’ve been killed and it’s not pretty.  If you’re squeamish about this at all, you may want to consider that.  Overall, I would probably only recommend this to someone if they’re a fan of Bullock of Clooney.  I probably wouldn’t have watched this if my parents hadn’t rented it.

Robot Holocaust (1986) movie review

Note:  This is one of my reviews reposted from Epinions.

How, exactly, do you define a truly bad movie?  We’re not talking, oh, sorry I wasted $10 bad.  I mean how do you define a movie as being a total waste of time, effort and film?  I think Robot Holocaust may be the poster child.

The movie takes place in what I think is supposed to be what’s left of New York City.  We have some people fighting each other so that their evil overlord, The Dark One, can figure out which one is strongest, only to kill him in the end.  The idea is that by weeding out the strongest, there will be no uprisings.  It seems that they’re producing power for The Dark One and are called air slaves.

I’m assuming that this is because of their dependence on clean air.  It also seems that the air outside cannot be breathed by any human except by those that can somehow breathe it.  This includes a scientist and his daughter as well as a wanderer named Neo.

As it happens, Neo and his robot wander in during the fight.  Where he came from is not clear, since we’re told that there’s one city left. Shortly after the fight ends, The Dark One pumps in poison air and everyone (except the scientist, the daughter and Neo) fall down.  The doctor tells his daughter to fall down to avoid detection, so she does, which leads The Dark One to take him in for questioning.

So the movie starts. Neo, his robot, the daughter and a few others set out to rescue the scientist.  Along the way, they meet some warrior women that aren’t too big on men.  The only use they have for men, apparently, is breeding.  (Not only can the women breathe air, but there’s no shortage of men who can breathe air.)  As you might expect, they can deal with any man except for Neo, who is able to defeat the leader easily.  She agrees to go with them until she sees an opportunity to kill Neo.

During their epic quest, they come by Killer Man-eating Worm-looking Sock Puppets.  (No one gets past the dreaded Worm Puppets unless the worms are distracted by a robot, which the party has.)  They also have to get through an electrified gate and blow up a door with some C4 that one of them was hiding until it became necessary.  (Script editor: “Oops!  Forgot to write in the C4.”)  The Dark One’s assistant is told to keep them all out.  (Except for the daughter, that is, who may be useful, although I’m not sure why considering that The Dark One will be able to get what he needs from the scientist.)  The assistant’s idea of keeping them off is reassuring The Dark One that the group will never get past the next stage of their journey.

As you might guess, they do manage to make it through with only a few losses.  They find the father turned into a big mango or something.  The Dark One will ultimately absorb all of his knowledge and find out how he’s able to breathe poisoned air.  It also turns out that the assistant is a robot who likes using some Pleasure Machine and has it in for her boss.  She almost does the heroes a favor until one of them accidentally flips a switch.  Fights ensue.  The Dark One is done in.  In the end, the last city of humans is saved.

I’m still left wondering how this movie ever saw the light of day.  You may have seen movies and thought the budget was somewhere around $10, including the actors’ salaries.  I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find that to be the actual case here.  All of the actors looked like they were pulled off the street and asked to do this movie for free.

According to IMDb, many of them haven’t been in anything else, and with good reason.  The acting was really poor.  The acting start out as very stiff and monotone with the exception of Neo’s robot, who moved and talked like he was constantly being electrocuted.  The acting changed a little bit later in the movie.  I’m guessing that the director took them off of cue cards.

As you can see, the plot was very thin.  It was a basic rescue mission with a few really fake threats thrown in.  The worm things were supposed to be man eaters, but were made from old socks or something.  When a sock puppet attacked someone, it bit his neck.  The victim was able to get away easily.  Not very threatening.

The movie was long at 80 minutes.  I found myself asking how it ever got distributed.  On a similar note, you may be asking why I would bother to watch it.  Good question.  This was another one of those free On-Demand disasters that I decided to watch only to get a review out of it.  I also sort of like watching these bad movies.  Maybe one day, I’ll be able to define what makes a movie horrible.  This one gets one star.  (Oh, and yes, there is a Mystery Science 3000 version.)

Coin Dozer review

Note:  This is a review I originally posted on Epinions.

One of the reasons I wanted an iPod Touch rather than a classic model was so that I could get apps.  Sure, I’d get something useful like the ones for the Post Office or Bank of America.  However, most of them would be games.  One of the first games I got was the free version of Coin Dozer.

It’s based on the game you may have seen at a county fair or arcade.  You’re given a set number of coins that you can drop in an area.  Those coins are pushed onto a lower platform that has a lot more coins.  To the left, right and front are pits.  Any coins that go to the left or right are lost.  You get back any that go into the front pit.  If you run out of coins, you get more coins just for waiting.

The coins regenerate faster if you leave the app open, but you can close the app and have the coins regenerate that way.  Either way, you have a limit.  If you are at or above that limit, there’s no regeneration.  If you are below the limit, coins will regenerate up to that limit.  The limit does go up as you play the game.

There are also special coins.  If you get a red coin, a giant coin drops, causing everything to bounce.  Light-blue coins give you coin walls to the left and right.  Dark-blue coins give you a shower of coins.  Silver coins give you a few extra coins in your reserve.  There are also XP coins, which help you advance to the next level.  (Each level gives you one of a rotation of prizes, like a red or blue coin.)

You also have prizes like bears and sunglasses.  Each of these prizes do something if you get a set of four different colors.  Bears make the coins regenerate faster.  Umbrellas give you more coins in the showers.  As you might expect, prizes and special coins that go over the left or right side are generally lost unless you get a set of whistles.  The first set of whistles you get allows you to keep the prizes that fall off the sides.  Subsequent tiers, up to nine, allow for a chance of getting the special coins.  (You start off with a maximum of six tiers, but you can upgrade to nine.)

I should probably also mention there are puzzle pieces that fall down.  I have no idea what these do other than give you something else to work towards.  I’ve completed one and I think I got some points or something.  I don’t remember.

As you might expect, prizes and coins aren’t really worth anything.  It’s not like you can cash out or will get anything special if you get all the toys.  It’s mostly fun as a distraction.  If I need a way to waste a few minutes, I will sometimes open the app and play.  I have to admit that it was more fun when I was below the coin limit.  It got to the point with the free version that I had over 13,000 coins.  I think the regeneration limit was 70 or something.

I had the opportunity to get the pro version for free, which is the same thing minus the ads at the bottom.  It’s not a huge difference, but it at least let me start over. I’m above 800 coins and it doesn’t look like I’ll be losing any.  It surprises me that it’s so easy to accumulate coins since you can buy coins as an in-app purchase.  You’d think there would be some sort of upper limit or something.

I can’t say I regret downloading either.  I used to play a lot when I first downloaded the free version.  Not so much anymore, though.  The only real fun is trying to get special coins in combination, which is frustrating since the coins tend to go sideways.

If you can get it for free, give it a try.  There are occasionally glitches, but the games update often and problems are taken care of almost immediately.  I’ve seen other versions, like Coin Dozer: World Tour and a Halloween version.  The only difference seems to be the types of prizes and the designs of the coins.  I had these, but I got rid of them.  It got to be too much.  Why do I need four versions of the same game?

The Thirteenth Floor (1999)

Note:  This review is reposted from Epinions.

Some questions are hard to answer. What is reality? What is life? Why are we here? When a company creates a virtual reality, people have to start asking these questions. They create a rendition of the 1930s that’s a little off in terms of the colors, but otherwise seems real. There are seemingly real people who sleep in seemingly real beds and eat seemingly real food. A user can connect and take the identities of one of the characters.

Hannon Fuller, the man who created the system, figures out something incredibly disturbing. It’s so disturbing that he has to leave a note for Douglas Hall, one of his employees, in the system. The problem is that Hall is suspected of Fuller’s death. There’s a period of a couple of hours that he can’t remember, which puts doubt in his mind.

So, he goes into the system to find the note. Thing is that the guy he gave it to isn’t telling. He also finds out that Fuller had a daughter and that the daughter is here to shut down the project, as per Fuller’s wishes. Thing is that no one knew that Fuller had a daughter or that he wanted to shut down the project. After all the hard work that they put into it, why shut it down?

There are a lot of implications for a machine like that. There are some positives, like using it for training. Tweak the physics a little and you give police a chance to train in situations without risking death. You could also have virtual vacations if you perfected it. You would also have your own virtual playground, which could be a good or bad thing, depending on the user. (Imagine a virtual-reality Grand Theft Auto or interactive adult films.)

It does bring up the question of ‘being’ someone else. In the movie, the people generally assume the identities of people that look like them. However, you could put someone in the body of someone different. Someone could find out what it’s like to be bound to a wheelchair or what it’s like to be a minority. Those questions aren’t really dealt with in the movie. It's primarily a murder mystery. Did Hall really do it? If not, who did? You even get a twist midway through the movie.

Reality isn’t always what it seems. It’s also not all that it’s cracked up to be. The characters in the program go about their lives not knowing that they’re in a simulation. However, when one finds out, they begin to question what reality is. I have to give the movie credit for taking something that other books and movies have done and exploring it a little more. The movie gets four stars.

IMDb page

Movie tickets through Fandango

Every so often, I was able to watch a movie in theaters and, occasionally, review one while it was still showing on the big screen.  It occurred to me that if I'm to have a link to that movie so that you might see it, I'd have to sign up for some sort of program for that, as Amazon doesn't seem to have anything for that.  (They might.  I never looked.)

I finally got around to signing up for Fandango.  I don't know if I can link to individual movies.  I'm not sure that I'd want to, either.  The movies will eventually move to DVD.  I'll have to go back and replace the link in a few months.

So, I'm going to try this.  Let's see how it works out.

Journey to the Center of Time

Note:  This review is one of my reviews that were originally posted on Epinions.

I think I figured out why I write movie reviews. There are some movies that are classics. People will watch these because of the impact that they’ve had on society or because they’re great movies. Most people will know which ones these are unless they‘ve been living under a rock. I may review these movies if I watch simply to voice my opinion.

There are some movies that are so bad that I have to wonder why they were ever made. Some are bad, but can still be watched if only to laugh at them. (Mystery Science Theater 3000 aired almost 200 episodes based on this premise.) There are a few movies so bad that I feel compelled to warn people not to watch them. They are only a waste of time and money. They’re barely even worth renting on NetFlix. Journey to the Center of Time is one of these movies.

In case you’re wondering, there are two reasons I finished watching the movie. One was that it was one of those bad-accident movies that I couldn’t stop watching. The other was that so that I could write an accurate review. I had to see exactly how bad it was.

For those that have never come across the movie, it’s set in 1968. (The movie was released in 1967, so I have to assume that it’s supposed to be the not-to-distant future.) Scientists are on the verge of being able to see 24 hours into the past. If this works, they will eventually be able to look far into the past or the future. The problem is that, like all interesting projects, they’re in danger of losing their funding. Stanton is the name of the man initially responsible for funding them. He recently died, leaving his money to his son. Stanton, Jr., is making the rounds to decide which projects get the axe.

Stanton wants to see everything. He even goes into the area where the experiments are held. It isn’t long before Stanton and the team of scientists are sent 5,000 years into the future. Once there, they’re greeted by advanced aliens who reminded me of clowns. The time travelers are given a warning that humanity hasn’t changed much. In fact, we’re on the verge of destroying ourselves. The aliens want to send a warning back to 1968 so that humanity might better itself. This, of course, is assuming that the group can get back at all.

They do go back, but too far. They end up going back to 1,000,000 B.C., where they see a dinosaur that looks a lot like a lizard made to look big through forced perspective. For some reason, everyone decides to go out and explore the area, starting with Stanton. From there, it only gets stranger. This is one of those movies that I won’t spoil the ending only because I didn’t understand it at all.

I think this movie was done on a severely limited budget. (If I recall, the time travelers were about 64,000,000 years too late for dinosaurs. They couldn‘t even afford fact checkers?) Not only was the script really bad, but the sets looked like they were set up in an abandoned warehouse. This isn’t even a case of outdated technology. Have you ever seen the Star Trek episode Specter of the Gun? I think this movie may have had the same set designer.

The version that I got from Netflix had no real extras to speak of. There was a trivia game that relied on knowledge of other movies. That was the only thing I bothered to look at other than the movie. Do not buy this movie for yourself or as a gift. If you must, rent it, but I think you’ll find it to still be a waste of 82 minutes. I never watched Mystery Science Theater 3000 that much while it was on. I have to wonder if they ever came across this movie. It would have been perfect for them. I mean, leave it to scientists desperate for money to go 5,000 years into the future and not look up lottery results.

Alien Uprising (U.F.O.) review

WARNING:  I’m going to give away major details.  This is necessary to pick apart the movie.  If you want to watch the movie, which I advise against, I’ll understand if you want to bookmark this page and come back later.


I’ve been reposting a lot of reviews from Epinions, mostly because there are a lot of old reviews that I’d like to get on here.  For example, I have a list of the ten movies I consider to be the worst.  I’d like to repost those ten movies before putting up the top-ten list.  I have gotten around to finishing a few reviews of movies I saw before Epinions closed, but I haven’t been watching a lot of new movies over the past few months.  I finally decided to get back to watching movies and I may have found a new addition to my list of ten worst movies.

The story starts with several friends at a party.  Michael is a lieutenant in the SAS.  He manages to hook up with a hot woman named Carrie.  Robin, his friend, asks Dana to marry him after a three-year courtship, only to start an argument with her.  Vincient, their other friend, drinks a lot, fails at picking up women and finishes his night by puking.  In the morning, they find that anything plugged in doesn’t work; the powers out.  Their cell phones still have a charge, but no reception.  Cars still work, but gas may prove to be limited.

One night, an alien ship appears in the sky.  It doesn’t do anything aggressive, but people freak out.  It’s the sort of looting, robbery and mayhem you’d expect.  It’s decided that Michael and Carrie will go to get bullets for his gun, leaving the others to fend for themselves.  That doesn’t go so well.  Michael and Carrie have to rescue a girl from an accident that they caused.  Also, finding fuel is next to impossible, as the army took all of it.  Then, there’s some vagrant that harasses the others about some bible verse, 24:36.  As if that wasn’t weird enough, the clocks go out at 12:36.

Michael and Carrie get back with the girl just in time to see Dana rescued by some military personnel.  (Some sort of drone was about to do her in.)  Everyone’s about to hightail it out of there when the vagrant shows up again, saying that they’re all in league with the devil.  They have to shoot the vagrant, who accidentally kills Robin.

The rest of the people go off to find a military buddy of Michaels named George.  George is played by Jean-Claude Van Damme.  George’s main contribution to the movie, other than being played by an actor I recognize, is to give the group information.  He has some sort of radio that picks up alien transmission.  He demonstrates by turning it on.  He reveals that he’s had an affiliation with Area 51-type stuff and that the radios are alien technology.

Here’s where I ruin the ending for you.  George and the military people all get killed.  Carrie kills Michael, then gets picked up by the aliens.  Vincent tries to rape Dana in front of the girl right before the power comes back on only to reveal Carrie (or a Carrie look alike) delivering a report that it‘s now safe for humans to come out.  The movie ends with several aliens killing Dana, Vincent and the girl.

I’m not sure how I came across Alien Uprising.  Having Netflix, I have access to lots of streaming movies.  This may have been one that I saved intending to get a quick review for a contest.  Maybe it was recommended to me after watching a Van Damme movie.  Boy, am I sorry I ever found out about this.

It looks like this was the entire run of a television series that was condensed to 101 minutes by removing anything that made any sense.  We are told that there are aliens that look like humans to infiltrate our cities for study.  When the UFO comes in, no aggressive action is taken.  Are they here to study us?  Will they conquer us?  What’s the point?

It’s not clear who strikes the first blow, but I think we’re to assume that a second set of aliens comes to our rescue.  Or is it that a second group attacks us and the first one defends us?  Either way, it’s not clear.  We just see alien ships fighting one another.  George indicates that we’ve known about the aliens for a while, so it’s possible that humans built the ships.

What is the point, though?   With alien-invasion movies, isn’t there supposed to be some sort of message?  Why are they here?  Why do we deserve this?  Is humanity worth saving?  The characters have no redeeming qualities.  Other than the girl, I’m just as happy to see the main characters killed.  They range from flaky to dangerous.  Vincent can’t quite build up the courage to ask Dana out, but ends up attempting to rape her?  Oh, and yes, Carrie is an alien.  At first, she seems to be repulsed by the idea of killing someone.  She’s adamant about saving the girl, but has no problem blowing Michael’s head off.

I was able to watch this through Netflix streaming.  This would be the only case I would recommend watching it, other than if you love bad movies.  (Honestly, I’m surprised that this isn’t on badmovies.org.)  One last thing I’m not clear on :  Why is it called Alien Uprising?  It was released in the UK as U.F.O., which at least makes some sense.  However, an uprising would seem to imply an oppressed group fighting back.  I suppose that it might mean an uprising against the aliens, but humans don’t seem to do much except get killed.  Maybe when my head stops hurting, I’ll figure it out.

Doctor Who - The Beginning Collection

Many, many years ago, as a child, I would watch Doctor Who on PBS. Eventually, I stopped watching. However, I recently got back into it with the new series. I wanted to see more of how the show started, so I decided to buy and/or rent as much of the older series as possible.

Not many episodes survive, as no one had yet imagined VCRs, reruns and season sets back in 1963. Fortunately, I was able to get the first three story arcs on DVD from Amazon.com. I’m going to stick mostly with the actual episodes and story line, as the features seem to vary a little.

For those that don’t know, the show’s main character is The Doctor, played here by William Hartnell. The Doctor is a Time Lord, which is a race from a planet called Gallifrey. Many of them travel time and space in a device called a TARDIS, which stands for Time And Relative Dimensions in Space.

When the Sci-Fi channel started airing the BBC’s new series in the United States, I looked around and found Doctor Who: In The Beginning on Amazon.com. It contains the first three story arcs and was selling for only $24.95. How could I resist?

The first four episodes make up An Unearthly Child. (Each episode is about 25 minutes in length.) In it, we meet Susan, The Doctor, Ian and Barbara. Ian and Barbara are teachers who notice that Susan isn’t your typical student. She doesn’t know things that a typical British teenager would know and seems to make unusual mistakes about other things.

One night, they follow her to an old junkyard and see her enter a police call box. It seems that there’s another voice coming from the big blue box. They’re taken inside by Carol’s grandfather, The Doctor. They’re told that they can’t be released back into normal society because they’ve found out about the Doctor and Carol, who are both not what they seem. From there, they go back in time to meet cavemen and get caught up in a power struggle.

The Daleks is the second story, lasting seven episodes. The Doctor travels to Skaro, where he meets the aforementioned Daleks. (Imagine a big salt shaker with a plunger for an arm.) The planet has been laid waste to by a nuclear holocaust. There are some humanoid survivors, who have managed to find a treatment that the Daleks want. The Daleks have only one thing on their mind, and that’s their own survival whatever the cost.

The final two episodes on the set are The Edge of Destruction. It’s essentially a bottle episode, meant to save money The four main characters are trapped on the TARDIS and are suffering from amnesia. Since it’s meant to save money, there’s not much of a story line to it. It does, however, seem to reveal a lot about the characters and the TARDIS.

Of the three stories, the second I would think is the strongest. As I’ve said with other TV series, the first few episodes usually serve the purpose of setting up the series and/or the characters. The first and third story arcs do this. While the second story arc will have the most impact on the rest of the series, I don’t think it was meant to. It’s the first real story line.

One thing the writers did stay away from is revealing everything about The Doctor at once. The information is given out a little bit at a time. Here, we learn that he and his granddaughter come from a far distant future and that they’re renegades in exile. (What they’ve been exiled for isn’t mentioned here.)

In fact, The Doctor’s name is never mentioned. Susan’s name seems to be taken from the junk yard where the TARDIS first appeared, so it’s probable that that’s not even her real name. We also learn that the TARDIS can be bigger on the inside than the outside due to its ability to change shape. (Due to budget constraints, the circuit that does this had to malfunction. They just couldn‘t afford to build a new TARDIS every month or two.)

I’d like to watch every episode in order, but that’s not possible. Doctor Who was first made way before anyone had any concept of DVD boxed sets and reruns. Many of them were wiped from the main archives. Some survive as novels or audio recordings. I even had to download the fourth story, Marco Polo, from iTunes because it doesn’t seem to be available on any sort of video format.

The original series ran for 26 years. It was cancelled in December of 1989, but a new series was promised when the time was right. For those that have seen just the new series, you’re going to be in for a surprise. These episodes are in black and white and are serialized.

The version I got didn’t have a whole lot in the way of extras. It had the Marco Polo serial in a condensed audio version, but I would rather have the whole thing from iTunes. There is a longer cut of the pilot episode and an Arabic translation of one of the episodes, but I didn’t really watch either. Maybe I’ll go back one day and have a look.
 
I’d definitely recommend this to any Doctor Who fan. The video and audio have survived well despite being about 45 years old. It’s worth it at least for the historical value. (My mother pointed out how little the theme had changed.)

Grand Theft Auto = Daft Rate Nought

Note:  This is a review I posted on Epinions on 8/2/2005. A few appropriate modifications have been made.



The first Grand Theft Auto game I played was GTA 3, and I have to say that I was hooked. I went and got Vice City, which was even better. Shortly before the PC release of San Andreas, I went and got this package of the three original GTA games: GTA, GTA: London and GTA 2. I knew that the original GTA was a low-budget game, but I was overwhelmed with nostalgia. I had to have this game.

The game is even lower budget than I remember. (Actually, I realized that I was remembering GTA 2.) It’s a very simple game. You go over to a bank of four payphones to get set of missions. As you complete each mission, you get money. If you complete a set of missions, you get a multiplier bonus, so when you kill someone or steal a car, the score that you’d normally get is multiplied. (Rewards for missions aren’t affected.) When you complete all four of those missions, new banks of payphones open up. As I mentioned, you can also get money by doing things like killing and stealing and wreaking havoc. Once you get $1,000,000, you get to move on to the next city.

I never got to see one of those other cities. The problem is that the game isn’t that interesting. The main problem is that you can’t save. I don’t know why the game was designed like this, but it was. Other reviewers on Epinions have complained that the game is repetitive after a while. It gets really repetitive when you have to play the same four missions over and over again. It gets really frustrating when you get up to 890,000 points and die for the last time. (You get four lives, but you can get extra lives throughout the city.)

You can get arrested as many times as you want. As you kill and steal, you’ll get a wanted level. The higher your wanted level, the more aggressive the police get. The only way to get the police off your tail is with an auto shop, and those are difficult to find. (It’s either that or getting killed.) If you are arrested, you lose any guns you’ve picked up and your multiplier is cut in half, rounding down.

It also took me a while to figure out how to get guns and stuff. When I first played, all I knew was that I was getting these guns. I eventually figured out that they were in these crates. Also in the crates were get-out-of-jail-free cards, extra lives and kill frenzies. (With a kill frenzy, you’ve given a certain amount of time to kill a certain number of people or destroy a certain number of vehicles.)

I can’t recommend buying this game unless you’re a die-hard GTA fan. The graphics are extremely bad by today’s standards. The view is from above; if you pass under something, all you get is an arrow indicating which direction you’re going in. Also, the only thing to really do is go around doing the missions. Yeah, I know that I said that you could do the kill frenzies and stuff, but that’s not going to get you to the next city. The game gets very boring after a while.

I give it three stars. It was a great distraction when I first got it, but I’ve already moved on. I had hoped to be able to play GTA: London, but it’s actually an expansion for this game. I’m not even going to bother with it. I’ve already started with Grand Theft Auto 2.

Night Train = It Rang Thin

Every so often, I go through Netflix looking for movies to watch and eventually review.  I tend to add a lot that are available streaming, including this one.  However, I didn’t get to it in time; the movie was no longer available streaming, so I had to rent it.  It looked interesting, but all I really knew about it was that it was about three strangers on a train.

The description doesn’t quite do it justice.  Danny Glover plays a conductor named Miles.  There aren’t many passengers on the train.  (As the title would indicate, the train is traveling at night.)  Two passengers of interest are Chloe, played by Leelee Sobieski, and Pete, played by Steve Zahn.  They’re joined by a mysterious man who boards the train at the last moment.  He’s carrying a package, which he guards closely.  It doesn't take long for Mystery Man to die from a combination of vodka and sleeping pills.

At first, Miles wants to leave everything to the authorities.  After finding a small box containing something valuable, Miles reconsiders.  From there, things only get worse.  Being strangers, each person is quick to be suspicious of the other two.  They also have to do something with the body, preferably without drawing attention.  Eventually, someone comes looking for the passenger and his package.  Miles tries to get rid of all sorts of unwanted attention, including the train’s three other passengers and the police.

When I saw the page on Netflix, I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I liked to concept of a fairly contained story, which it was.  (Most of it takes place on the train.)  There is a paranormal aspect, though.  Each person sees something valuable in the box, but each person could see something different.  One person might see emeralds.  Another might see diamonds or rubies.  The box has the power to corrupt people who look inside.

It reminded me of The Brass Teapot in that both movies had a supernatural object that used greed to control people.  However, The Brass Teapot handled it better.  It did a better job of showing a slow descent into madness.  With Night Train, we just had three people that got greedy in a hurry.  I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be any better, but we don’t really find out much about the characters other than why each wants the money.  (Miles has a sick wife, Chloe is pre-med and Pete has a job he doesn’t care much for.)

Part of the problem was that the movie wasn’t well-written.  I didn’t see any real reason to empathize with any of the characters.  Miles seems at least smart about it.  He takes it upon himself to hide the box.  Chloe becomes very methodical very quickly.  Add to that the low production values. (The movie was released straight to video.)  The CGI for the train was fairly obvious.  (It seemed to me that the train was moving to quickly in the exterior shots.)

I’m kind of wondering what Danny Glover was thinking, taking the role.  I’m not saying the movie was beneath him, but it doesn’t seem like something he’d do.  Glover is a big name.  I can see him wanting to support an independent film.  That I would at least understand.  However, this wasn’t a great film.  Even at 90 minutes, it seemed to stretch at times.

My one regret here is not having watched it streaming.  I don’t think it was worth getting it on DVD.  I’m not saying that it’s not worth watching.  It’s just not going to be for everyone.  I asked my parents if they wanted to watch it before I returned it.  I don’t think they got past the first fifteen minutes.

The Brass Teapot = Heartbeats Stop (The Brass Teapot movie review)

Note:  This is a review I originally posted  on Epinions.

  

Most people only see money as an issue if they don’t have enough.  John and Alice can only make the rent if their landlord, Arnie, waits to deposit the check.  They have one car, which Alice uses to go on an interview.  John takes a bike to a job trying to get people to extend their warranties.  He’s not very good at it and subsequently gets fired.

Enter the brass teapot that the title speaks of.  Alice sees an old woman take it into an antique shop shortly after she and John get into an accident.  She has no problem stealing it.  It isn’t until an accident with a curling iron that she realizes what the pot can do.  Each time the user feels pain, money appears in the teapot.  More pain yields more cash.  After getting fired, John comes home to find his house wrecked.  He’s worried for Alice, but she claims to have fallen down stairs that they don’t have.  She lets him in on the secret.  So begins the story.

John wants to return the teapot, but finds the antique shop closed and the property for rent.  Not having many other options, he at least takes it on Antiques Roadshow to get an opinion on what it is.  (The expert looking at it has never seen anything like it before.)  His appearance on TV catches the attention of two orthodox Jews who happen to be the grandchildren of the woman from whom Alice took the teapot.  They don’t want the teapot, per se.  They are, however, more than happy to take the money.  Still having the teapot, John and Alice can still hurt themselves and each other for more money.

The couple is later visited by Dr. Ling, who also saw John on Antiques Roadshow.  His family has been following the teapot for generations.  He informs John and Alice that the teapot was meant to be given.  Having stolen the teapot, the teapot will bring out the worst in them.  Their only hope is to give the teapot to him so that he might hide it where no one can find it.

The movie is very well done.  This is one of the reasons I’m happy I have access to Netflix streaming.  Alice and John feel that they are good people.  They believe that they can quit any time they want.  Dr. Ling confirms that they are, in essence, good people.  However, having stolen the teapot makes it nearly impossible for them to stop.  Many people compare the movie to The Twilight Zone, but I’d say it’s more like Warehouse 13 in that it deals with an item that brings trouble and should probably be locked away.

It starts with Alice burning herself, albeit mildly and accidentally.  He gets dental work “the old-fashioned way.”  She gets a full Brazilian wax.  They both get tattoos.  From there, it escalates to insulting each other and revealing secrets to inflict emotional damage.  Pretty soon, she’s kicking John where it hurts.  Physical pain no longer brings the reward it once did.  Alice again can up the game when she realizes that a skater’s pain brings in money.  She can visit a woman in labor to get lots of money.

Most people ask what they would do with a million dollars.  This movie explores what a couple would do to get a million.  Alice begins a somewhat rapid descent to becoming a sociopath.  It’s easy to sit there and think that you’d quit, but I think we all know that you’d probably be no better than Alice.  At least she had John as the voice of reason.

A Gathering of Heroes: Reflections on Rage and Responsibility (book review)

Note:  This is a review that was originally posted by me on Epinions.  I'm reposting it here.



If you knew that there were people trapped in a burning building, would you go in to help people out?  Most people would stand back and let the professionals handle it, which is totally understandable.  Those without training would probably only get in the way.  Gregory Alan-Williams was on his way home from the gym one day.  He had heard the verdict for the four white police officers accused of beating Rodney King.  He knew that there would be rioting.  Instead of playing it safe by going home, Alan-Williams instead went into a dangerous area and actually helped save someone.

The book is Alan-Williams’s retelling of what happened.  He recounts growing up and facing people that would hurt him simply because of the color of his skin.  There was also a teacher that held him responsible for stealing money because of a joke. He writes about going through boot camp to become a Marine and actually beating up another recruit because he wouldn’t fall in line.

The person he saved was Takao Hirata, a man of Japanese descent who happened to be driving through the area.  A mob descended on his car and beat him pretty badly.  Despite this, a police car stopped twice but the police officers didn’t help either time.  Alan-Williams was able to manage to get Hirata into someone’s car and trusted the stranger to take Hirata to a local hospital.  If you want to see how badly Hirata was injured, there are pictures between Chapters 5 and 6.  (They’re not great, but they do help illustrate what Alan-Williams had to go through.)

I found this book at the North Miami Public Library.  I was looking for some books to read and was looking for something short.  At 205 pages, this fit the bill.  It’s definitely an interesting read.  I was in high school when the verdict was rendered on the four police officers.  To be honest, I don’t have a very clear memory of where I was that day.  I don’t think I went to school.  Either the schools were closed that or my parents had the good sense to keep me home just in case.

One of the questions Alan-Williams asks is why, when a white person threatened a black person, there was an uproar, but when black people attack black people, no one gets upset.  I have never understood the need to riot when things go badly.  You’re compounding one injustice with another.  The book doesn’t really go into that.  (Alan-Williams had a bit or backlash for bringing it up on Phil Donahue’s show.)

It’s hard to believe that the L.A. Riots happened nearly 20 years ago.  (The events described in most of the book happened April 28, 1992, although the book wasn’t written until 1994.)  While I don’t know that I’d be able to do what he did, I’m happy to know that there are people out there that would.  If your library has a copy of this, I’d definitely recommend checking it out.