Get Santa (2014)

Back in the first days of streaming, life was good.  More specifically, the selection was good.  The studios had not yet realized how popular the service would be and allowed Netflix and other providers to stream movies at a low cost.  By the time the contracts had expired, the studios found themselves in a position to charge more.  The result seemed to be that Netflix limited the number of bigger (read: expensive) movies. They still had plenty of lesser-known movies that I imagine cost less, but would still allow Netflix to claim to offer more titles over the Internet.

I have found a few good movies streaming.  I’ve found a few bad ones, too.  Get Santa is somewhere in between.  I knew coming in to the movie that it was probably going to be nothing spectacular.  It’s about a father-and-son team that has to come to Santa’s rescue.

The movie starts with Steve getting out of jail.  He wants nothing more than to see his son, Tom.  Meanwhile, several reindeer are wandering around London.  Santa has crashed his new sleigh and has found his way to the garage of Tom’s mother.  When Steve arrives, he chases off this weirdo that’s talking to his son.  He has enough to worry about with mandatory visits to his parole officer.

The next, Steve picks Tom up for a day together.  All Steve can think about is helping Santa, who has ended up in the very same prison that Steve just got out of.  The reindeer have been taken, as well.  So, it’s up to Steve and Tom to get Santa out of jail and get his sleigh in working order.  Oh, and since Steve had to trespass and miss his very first parole meeting, he has the police and his parole officer after him, not to mention Tom’s mother since Tom didn’t get back on time.

The movie is pretty much what you’d expect.  The film is British, but I could see the Hallmark Channel airing something similar.  It seems somewhat formulaic.  You have someone claiming to be Santa and seems crazy.  You have someone who has a low tolerance for trouble that finds trouble.  You also have someone who Santa mistakes for an elf who is, in fact, not an elf.

Santa having to prove his identity wasn’t as played up as much as I would have expected. He’s able to tell people things about their childhood.  The police find someone who bears a resemblance, but it’s not explained if this is the same person or if it’s a coincidence.  (The person was arrested 20 years prior, making it look like someone who hadn’t aged.)  Then again, how do you prove that you’re someone who the world regards as fictional?

The movie is rated PG.  It is a kind of dark movie, mostly due to prison scenes.  Santa has to get a lesson on how to act among his fellow inmates.  IMDb has it listed as a comedy and a family movie.  I’m not entirely certain about either.  The movie is probably safe for teens and above.  I don’t know that younger children would understand certain aspects.  It also wasn’t particularly funny.  There were a few good lines, like Steve pointing out how useful one of Santa’s tools would be to Steve’s friends.  That was about it.

I’m hoping that Netflix rotates their steaming selection soon.  I’m kind of running out of movies to watch.  I understand that they have to keep financial concerns in mind, but I’ve noticed that I’m watching some of the more mediocre films here.  This is definitely one of them.

IMDb page

A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

Sometimes, having interconnected stories can work.  Usually, this involves having a single narrative with several different aspects.  It tends to work best when it’s done subtly.  A Christmas Horror Story isn’t such a movie.  I’m not saying that it’s not entertaining.  It’s just that you have four stories that probably started out having nothing to do with each other.  Someone apparently got the idea to put them together when they probably would have worked better as four short films.

In one story, you have Santa Claus battling undead elves.  There’s no explanation where the infection came from, but one elf dies and reanimates.  Elves aren’t supposed to die.  They’re cheerful and immortal and they definitely don’t refuse Mrs. Claus’s cookies, at least not in such a vulgar fashion.  Yet, Mr. Claus has to rid his workshop of his undead helpers.

In a second story, a family of four is going to visit the father’s Aunt Edda.  The wife, son and daughter see it for what it is: a chance for dear old Dad to hit her up for an investment in his company.  After promptly being kicked out, the car gets stuck.  This makes it easier for Krampus to pick them off one at a time.

In the third story, three filmmakers go to a school’s basement to make a documentary.  Two girls were murdered in a gruesome manner.  One of the police officers had to go on medical leave because of it.  (The daughter from the second story would be joining them if not for her father’s dragging her along to Aunt Edda’s.)  They get locked in and have to hope that someone finds them in time.

In the fourth story, a father decides to take his wife and son along to steal a tree from private property.  (It just so happens that the father is the police officer that’s on medical leave.)  The son disappears, but is found again hiding in a tree.  It isn’t until they get home that the parents realize that something is off.  The landowner contacts the wife, telling her to bring the kid back.  She hangs up on him, but eventually comes around.

Tying it all together is Dangerous Dan, played by William Shatner.  He’s a DJ who is pulling a double shift Christmas eve to bring everyone some Christmas music.  He’s not too happy about being there, as evidenced by his consumption of spiked egg nog.  In the studio with him is Norman.  When Dan asks Norman about his impending trip to the mall’s food drive, Norman holds up a nasty note for Dan to see.

The four stories are told intertwined as Dangerous Dan plays his songs.  The result is something that’s not quite coherent.  Each story probably could have done well as a short film.  The Student Filmmaker story was what you’d expect of those teenager horror movies that are heavy on the scares and maybe even the sex appeal.  Similarly, the family trip to see Aunt Edda was your basic awkward outing movies where everyone has an epiphany and grows.  The thing is that no one really has a chance to learn from their revelation.  They admit something they did wrong and are promptly dispatched with.  In fact, the son is taken away rather quickly.

The Santa Slayer and Tree Poacher stories were at least entertaining.   Santa having to kill undead elves has the makings of a great feature-length slasher film.  There were even a few good lines, to boot.  I also got the sense that the father that stole the tree had some issues.  This also could have possibly been made into a feature-length film, or at least maybe an episode of an anthology series.  I think the only hindrance that either story had was the time constraints.

I had had this on my list of movies to watch on Netflix for a while.  After seeing Rare Exports, I thought that a movie like this could have been done well.  Instead, A Christmas Horror story wound up on the other end of the spectrum.  It’s somewhat entertaining, assuming you’re into that sort of thing.  However, it doesn’t really stand out for me.

The movie was only 99 minutes.  Had the Santa Slayer and Tree Poacher stories been developed more, the movie could have made it to two hours, but it would have been a very lopsided movie.  I think that’s the weakness of the movie as a whole.  You have four ideas that could have been contenders, but were merged into one film that wasn’t really that great.  In fact, the only character I really felt any connection to was Dangerous Dan.  I absolutely don’t blame him for drinking.

IMDb page

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) full movie

I finally decided to upload a public-domain movie to my YouTube channel.  It's one that I've already reviewed before. I figured I'd give everyone an easy way to view it.  If I can get enough subscriberws and viewers, I may consider posting more.  I'll have to see how it goes.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Note:  This review was originally posted to my Epinions account.

I’ve seen some bad movies in my time. Some are bad in an enjoyable way, much like Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky. Others leave you wondering why the movie was made in the first place, much like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

The story is simple. Kimar, leader of the Martians, notices that his children are sad and not doing what Martian children should be doing. He’s distraught over this and seeks the advice of the eldest and wisest Martian, Chochem. Chochem tells Kimar that the children of mars have little reason to be happy. They study too much to the point where they have the minds of adults trapped in very young bodies. They need someone like Santa Claus to bring them joy and happiness.

Kimar takes it a step further and decides to actually kidnap Santa. He takes a crew to Earth and lands somewhere a major city where they find all sorts of people fitting the description of Santa. They meet two children, Billy and Betty, that direct them to the North Pole. Since the Martians can’t trust the kids not to rat them out, the kids have to go along for the ride.

The Martians arrive at the North Pole, but the kids escape and plan on warning Santa. The warning comes too little too late for Santa, as the Martians put Mrs. Claus and several elves in suspended animation. Santa has no choice but to go with the Martians.

Things aren’t all that great on the ship. Kimar has a dissenter named Voldar who tries to throw Santa and the kids out of an airlock. He thinks that Martians would be to soft and cuddly to be effective warriors. Once they get back to Mars, he’s arrested and told he’ll stand trial for going against his leader.

Once back on Mars, Santa gets an automated plant to make toys for all the good Martian boys and all the good Martian girls. Billy and Betty help Santa in his new workshop. Everything seems to be going fine until Voldar decides to shut down the factory and kidnap Santa.

As luck would have it, Kimar has an assistant named Dropo that tries to dress up as Santa. Voldar ends up kidnapping Dropo, not realizing that Santa isn’t a Martian. (This is despite having seen both Dropo and Santa up close and that Martians look nothing like humans.) After a toy fight, Santa saves the day and Kimar realizes that Dropo could be as effective a Santa as the real Santa. Santa, Billy and Betty are allowed to go home in time for Christmas.

I ended up watching the entire movie just to see how bad it was. It was pretty bad. Even the names aren’t that creative. Another reviewer pointed out that Kimar may be King Martian. Notice that he has a wife, Momar, and two kids, Bomar and Girmar. I’m assuming that the names come from Mom Martian, Boy Martian and Girl Martian respectively. I’m thinking that Dropo may be the Martian Marx brother. As for a lot of the other names, I can’t quite figure those out. The movie isn’t worth that much thought.

I couldn’t get the Martians. There were maybe two Martians that had any intelligence at all, yet they’re capable of flying across the solar system to Earth. I mean, Dropo was an idiot and yet two other Martians mistook him for Santa. Granted, there may be more intelligent Martians that built the space ships, but you don’t put just anyone in a plane and call them the captain. Just to fly the thing requires intelligence.

The costumes look like something out of a thrift store reject sale. The people doing the makeup must have seen them and done an appropriately bad job. There was nothing redeeming about either. I cant’ even get a decent sized paragraph out of it, that’s how bad it was.

As for the plot, it left a lot to be desired. Santa and Co. don’t fight back at all. Even when Santa’s told that he’s going to be staying on Mars permanently, he’s just like, ‘oh, well!’ The kids mope around, which is to be expected, but they, too, go along with everything. There’s no resistance of any kind. Santa never comes close to attempting to conquer the Martians. I guess the conquering part of the title comes from the fact that the Martians adopted that part of Earth culture.

There was no real redeeming quality to this movie. The lighting was horrible, the makeup and costumes were horrible. The movie looks like it was done on a budget of $5 including the actors’ salaries. This is truly a one-star movie in every sense of the term. Even the opening/closing music was annoying. I got the movie as one of the Free One Demand selections and even then, it was overpriced. Avoid this movie.

IMDb page

Rare Exports (2010)

Note:  This review was originally posted to my Epinions account.

We’ve always heard what a nice guy Santa is.  He comes around once a year to give out presents to those that make his list.  An American believes he’s found the burial mound of the creature that was the original Santa.  He’s in Russia, near the Finnish border.  Some reindeer herders on the other side of the border don’t know about this.  All they know is that there’s a hole in the fence and their reindeer are all dead.  This leads them to believe that the American and his team have let some Russian wolves through.  Either way, it means that they’re out a lot of money and they have debts to pay.

One of the herders, Rauno, sets up a wolf trap, which is illegal.  The fact that he catches an old man doesn’t make things easier on him.  When he and another one of the herders go to dispose of the body, they discover that he’s still alive, which eventually presents an even bigger problem:  The old man can smell children.  He reacts whenever Rauno’s son, Pietari, comes near.

Pietari has been reading up on the Santa legends.  He knows what’s really going on up there and why the old guy is reacting to him.  Pietari and his friend made the hole in the fence to go up and see what the American was doing.  He believes that this is Santa Claus coming to punish him for being naughty.  Unfortunately, none of them yet realize the true scope of the situation.

This isn’t a movie for children.  There aren’t many scenes that parents would find objectionable, but what there is might be very objectionable.  We get to see full male nudity, both front and back.  Granted, it’s some old men in a shower, but I don’t know if I’d be comfortable watching that with my parents.  Also, we get to see a herd of dead reindeer.  There is also a monster that we don’t get to see, but we know it’s big and probably very scary.

It is definitely a new play on the Santa story, at least that I’ve seen in movies.  We have this image of who Santa Claus is and it turns out that this is not at all the case.  There is apparently some truth to the story, insofar as it’s true to legends.  There was a culture that worshiped something similar to what’s presented in the movie.  (Look up Krampus.)  Here, it’s shown that they buried whatever it was.

There were a few unanswered questions.  For starters, why was the American even looking for Santa?  He seemed to have some idea of what the creature was capable of.  He hands out new safety rules to his crew, such as no swearing.  I guess he may have been a little mentally off balance, but it was never stated what he hoped to accomplish.  Maybe he thought the creature wasn’t that bad.  (There are other questions, but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone.)

One of the things I like about having Netflix streaming is that I can find all sorts of new and interesting movies.  Yes, some of them turn out to be crap, but some of them are like this one.  If you don’t come in expecting anything really deep or mind bending, it can be a fun movie.  It doesn’t even go into the legend or history that much except to show Pietari doing some research.  It’s three adults and a kid fighting Santa and his minions.

One problem is that Netflix didn’t have captioning.  There were subtitles for the Finnish dialogue, but there was some English dialogue that I couldn’t get subtitling for.  Other than that, I’d definitely recommend watching it.  You don’t even have to wait for Christmas to give it a shot.


Official site

IMDb page