Tuesday, May 27, 2014

My Ten Worst Films

Note:  This list was originally posted to my Epinions account.  I hear lists are popular, so I decided to repost it here.

George Carlin once pointed out that there’s the world’s worst doctor out there somewhere.  If you took all the doctors that were good enough to get a degree and set up a practice, there’s one that’s quantifiably the worst.  The scary thing, he pointed out, is that said doctor probably has an appointment next Tuesday. Likewise, there are a whole host of movies that were just good enough to get put on film.  There are several that could be considered the worst.  The scary part, in this case, is that I sat down to watch these.

10.  Journey to the Center of Time

This is bad sci-fi.  It’s one of those cases where they were aiming for a time-travel movie where a science experiment goes horribly awry, leading to the scientists being able to do what they wanted, but with limited or no control.  What we have is a movie that went horribly awry, leading the makers being able to do what they wanted, but with limited or no budget.  (Somehow, they wind up in the year 1,000,000 B.C. with dinosaurs.  Didn’t they go extinct long before that?)

9.  Time Guardian

It’s one of those movies where you spend the entire time waiting for something to happen, only to suspect halfway in that you’ve been duped.  You sit and finish the movie only to realize that you were right.  A city is trying to flee some sort of future tyranny.  It looked interesting, but there was little to no story.  There was no reason to care about the characters at all.  It’s like it was a setup for a TV show where they only produced the pilot episode and decided to just release it as a movie.  In retrospect, I’m not even sure what it was supposed to be about.

8.  Winterbeast

There are actual reasons that this movie is so bad, including the fact that several scenes were filmed years before the others.  This has several of the weirdest scenes that I’ve ever seen in a movie.  When I say weird, I’m talking bizarre.  It’s about a poorly animated beast that terrorizes a resort town with a few crazy people in it.  You have to see it to believe it.

7.  Time Changer

Of all the movies that I’ve reviewed on Epinions, this was the only one I couldn’t sit through.  Part of this was that I was watching it with my brother and I didn’t want to subject him to this overtly religious crap, but it seems that I wasn’t the only one.  The message of the movie is that yes, you do have to be a Christian to be a good, moral person.  Not everyone will take to this message.

6.  Star Crystal

This was one of the movies that I found through badmovies.org.  This alone should tell you something.  The basic premise is that a bunch of random people narrowly escape an exploding space station only to realize that it will take them a long time to get back to Earth.  It was a stupid movie about stupid people doing stupid things.  That’s all I have to say about that.

5.  The Day Time Ended

You know a movie is bad when you can't even feel good that it ended.  A family bounces around in time before ending up in a presumably utopian future.  It's like someone decided to make a time-travel movie, but that was all the effort they wanted to put into it.  It was weird things happening to weird people in a weird movie.

4.  The Night Evelyn Came out of the Grave

This looks like this project started out as two mediocre scripts.  One had to do with a guy that lost his wife and decides to remarry.  The other is about a homicidal maniac.  When the writer realized that he couldn’t make two movies out of it, he decided to make it into one outright crappy movie.  This proves that you can’t merge two less-than-good things and expect something that’s good to come out of it.

3.  Robot Monster

This is where we get into the really crappy movies.  We’re talking movies that make you want your time and/or money back.  The only thing limiting the number of plot holes is the amount of plot we‘re starting with.  An alien comes down and eliminates all but a handful of people easily, then has trouble eliminating the remainder.  Why he can’t do this is not really explained.  It may have to do with the fact that all he does is make vague threats.

2.  Robot Holocaust

This is an example of low budget gone horribly wrong.  It’s set in a post-apocalyptic world where robots are common and people aren’t.  (The atmosphere is unbreathable to everyone except those that can breathe it.)  Adding to the insanity is really bad acting, a very thin plot and a budget so low that it apparently limited the retaking of shots, many of which could have desperately used it. 

1.  Future War

This is a prime example of why some movies should never be made.  It sets the standard for low budget.  We have people from the past taken to the future to be used as slaves.  When slaves escape, as they often do, they’re hunted down by teams of cyborgs and dinosaurs.  Add to this the horrible special effects and you have Future War.


Mark Baker said...

Phew. None of my favorite movies made your list. In fact, I don't think I've seen any of those movies. I'll have to rush right out and not watch them.

Brian Kuhl said...

Amazon has a banner for award winners, but nothing for b movies.